Cupid Is Blind / A Comedy Routine

I want to perform a comedy routine onstage at a poetry reading about adventures with Internet matchmakers.

I signed on to eHarmony and Chemistry.com one year ago in the summer and also tried OKCupid.

OKCupid rated me as “less kinky and less adventurous” so hardly any guys contacted me. Chemistry.com rated me as a Director and “sparks fly between Directors in the bedroom.” So what is it: am I frigid or do I have a raging libido?

No eHarmony guys contacted me because they were all conservative Christians who wanted to meet and marry church-going hausfraus. I abandoned organized religion for good after the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001.

If insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result: I’m guilty of being crackers. A year later, I signed up for HowAboutWe.

The guys and gals play a game that’s artificial: picking and choosing to meet people that fit their ideal views; like assembling the parts and traits of their perfect partner like cars on an assembly line. A woman has to be a red Porsche, not a wood-paneled station wagon, to compete online with hundreds of other women. Guys seek the female equivalent of a “Bitchin’ Camaro” (cue the Dead Milkmen lyrics.)

I got nowhere on HowAboutWe as well. I have a gorgeous face, I’m skinny, and so guys were sending me messages without reading my profile. I wrote: “absolutely no smokers.” A guy sent me a message and his bar graph stated he was a chimney. NoMeansNo isn’t just the name of a 1980s Canadian punk band: it’s a clear indication that the woman doesn’t mean yes.

You smoke enough cigarettes in your life: you’ll have to sleep with an oxygen tank instead of your wife. I know a woman who smoked two packs a day for 40 years. She has to sleep with an oxygen tank beside her instead of her husband. A ringing endorsement for cigarette smoking, right?

It was my psychiatrist who told me OKCupid is only for hook-ups. How did he know that? I had no idea it was.

At all the online dating sites, men in their fifties were looking to start a family. A number of guys in this age bracket answered the question about kids with “want ’em now.” Little do they know that the older the father is, there’s an increased risk his kids will develop ADHD, autism or schizophrenia. You have only yourself to blame then if you bring into the world a kid with a disability when you’re nearing retirement age.

I would rather date a guy with a mental illness who is normal than a normal guy who is f*cked-up.

The woman who published the book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. GoodEnough is still single and most likely hasn’t tried to meet a guy online. These guys live up to the lyrics of a Beck song.

I listen to the Alternative Project radio station that you can listen to by going on http://www.iheartradio.com and typing in The Alternative Project. It broadcasts insulting jokes like the following:

“Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? Isn’t that like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions?” Yes: it is. I refused to take dating advice from a woman with a string of long-term fruitcakes under her belt.

If I want advice, I’ll ask a woman who celebrates her 20th wedding anniversary in 2015.

Cupid is blind. His arrow is striking everyone else not me.

This is my comedy routine. I hope you find it funny. I’d like to hear from other women about their own escapades in the dating scene.

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Author: Chris Bruni

Christina Bruni is the author of the critically acclaimed memoir Left of the Dial. She owns a resume writing and career help business. She contributed a chapter "Recovery is Within Reach" to Benessere Psicologico: Contemporary Thought on Italian American Mental Health. As well as an author and activist, Bruni is an artist and a fitness buff.

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